Various  issues of diverse sorts meant a  delayed -but -not- canceled  Summer Sizzler Races. Contest Number One in a series of only seven this year (next year we'll make up for it) will kick off on June 28th at 6:30 PM. Yup. Make a note of the fact that Tuesdays and NOT Mondays will be  the new  day. This means you can go bowling after all --with Barney And Fred And Wilma And Betty on Monday nights and maybe ring up that 1-7-10 split you've been trying to get for years. Or get your hair done in a beehive-style hair do. Maybe a day of beauty. Whatever. I think I'll go for the  beehive myself, maybe a pedicure and facial if time allows. Wait'll you see me!
 

 

We will begin our  inaugural run  at the place where it all began way back in 1997.....The Depot!

 

Uh-huh. The route is four miles of rolling thunder and sheer joy, guaranteed to leave you feelin' like you done something real good for yourself. Especially if it's a toasty 96 degrees and you are out of shape; coughing up phlegm; wheezing till you're breathing fire from your belly; wishing you had  a 100% O2  tank nearby;  your heart is pounding out of your chest, vainly pleading with you to stop the cardio- pulmonary torment or it will give you that myocardial infarction  you've been trying so hard to avoid. That's ok. You won't be alone. oo much egg foo young, greasy ribs, fried mushrooms, nachos with lotsa cheese, and Ben &Jerry's did it to you again this winter. You never learn. Do you? Me neither.

 

So the Sizzler has to bail you out again, eh? What would you do without us? Suppose you get transferred to Amarillo, Texas or Southeast Wyoming. You can only time how long it takes you to chase dustballs across the desert plains, with rattlers and cattle skulls as your only companions. Races? Not there. What'll you do?

 

You'll die. That's what. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you. But that's my job... to kind of get you 'Scared Straight' as it were. Got it?

Goooood. Reeeaaaal  goood.

 

This is the Ninth edition of the insanely popular and offbeat series of races. Prizes will be given to all competitors. Again, we will alternate distances and locations. A week later, July 5th, the venue changes to the Norway Hill Apple Orchards. It's a loopy 3 miler and again starts at 1830 hours EDT. Cost for  the races at both locales is still only 4 clams. We'd like you to pay in silver, cuz the dollar is on its last legs. But we will accept the dying federal reserve notes until the coming economic collapse occurs. I hope it  waits at least until the Sizzlers are done. Bu it ain't far off. Cuz paper money ain't backed by nuthin' and ain't worth diddily.

 

Oh Yah! Themes... Wacky and wonderful themes and gimmicks and side shows and bearded ladies and monkeys on unicycles and trapeze artists and midget rasslin'  and  stuff like that. Yeah, we will do that too. We always do. We personify different. Who wants to be like everyone else? Nosirree, Bob. Not I. Nevahhhhh.

 

 Drum Roll, please............

 

We begin the races with "Run For Rosie". "Whaa! Who?!"  you ask with that quizzical look on your countenance.

 

In running there is only one Rosie..... I am talking of Rosie Ruiz, the infamous First Lady Of Fraud. Back in 1980, young Rosie Ruiz crossed the line as the First Woman at the prestigious Boston Marathon, collected the lovely laurel wreath, had that spiffy winner's medal draped around her neck by da maya of Bawstin (Kevin White?), and basked in the glory, right next to Mr. Legend himself... Billy Rogers. I ran that year. It was hot-hot-hot-hot. Like 2004. Won't talk about that one. I only did a 3:12 in 1980, I think. Rosie allegedly did a 2:30. My goodness! Way to go and hats off to you, Young Lady. Nice work. Whew. And no sweat. Just a perfect smile. Nice teeth.

 

 Wow. Boy o boy. What day, huh?  It can't get no betta, brutha!

 

Too bad it wasn't  the real deal though.

 

Well, to make a long story longer it seems  Miss Ruiz jumped in around Cleveland Circle, just a couple miles or so from the finish. She was never seen by anyone at the start or anywhere along the way. Improbable as it sounds, an honest to goodness cheat  stole the show that year. She never competed since and lives in infamy in the Hall Of Shame, right alongside the busts of  Attila The Hun, Judas Iscariot, "Et Tu, Brute?," John Wilkes Booth, Der Fuhrer, the cow that kicked over the bucket that tipped over the lantern that started the Great Chicago Fire a century or more ago........and oh yah....-- of course-- Bill Buckner.

 

Rosie did this apparently at the NY City Marathon, too. There she took the subway, though. I've felt like doing that in a few races too. No sweating or pain or blisters or cramps, and you can even chow down a chili dog, suck on a purple slurpy in a comfy seat with the a/c blasting, and  allow some relaxing Bach to penetrate the ear drums. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! My kind of race and no one would be any the wiser for it. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  She's a trend- setter, ol' Rosie.

 

Anyway, the Sizzler this year "honors" dear, maligned, impugned, misunderstood Rosie. We understand here at Sizzler Central, Ros'!  We hope she can make it. So........  here's what we are going to do to commemorate the Blessed 25th anniversary of the memorable occasion.

 

Ahem.......

 

We will give cheap sweetheart "Ros(i)es" to all finishers, even the guys. You can  bring it home to the missuz and say you wuz thinkin' of her all day, what  she done for you and  then ya just got all sentimental and brung her sumpthin good!  of the floral variety. I get choked up thinkin' about it. Yah. But she knows you better than that.... cheapskate that you are.

 

  But that ain't all, mon ami.

 

We will be giving away "Subway" sandwich gift certificates to the winners and maybe a couple more of 'em, if they buy into this and wanna be a sponsor (hint-hint). Also NH highway tokens (we don't gut no trolleys or underground trains in Hancock, just the real cool Depot. Pure nostalgia. We love it.

 

We may be able to scare up a few MBTA tokens, though, if I can get in touch with the Rameys, who are always down yonder, being old BU folks and whose kids go there--  or at least who hang out on the CHAZ river and play frisbee with  the dog. They may skip all their classes and hang out at Fenway and bake in the bleachers watching The Olde Town Team and catching Keith Foulke 's moonshots to opposing batters for all I know. I don't know. Maybe they can grab some for me or hold up someone at Alewife. Naaaaaaaaaahhh. Somehow I can't see them doing that. But maybe I am wrong. Yooooo-hoooooo! Ross? Lisa?

 

One more thing. Runners will have the opportunity--- for this race only---  to cut the course short at two different points. Guaranteed to run a PR. Like Rosie. She PR'd that day. She was the only one who did, though. It's between you and your conscience. Do the four miles or slice off a few tenths and get to the refreshment table  a little earlier. Like Karl Malden used to say in that old American Express ad:  " What will you do.......What WILL. you do? Made me want to run and hide under my bed. Such shame, guilt. Then again I grew up catholic. And guilt is big there. Yikes. Moving on....... 

 

Anyway, come and join us, won't you? Call The Czar at 525-9357 for more info, details, sponsorship, to set up a living will , irrevocable trust, to donate silver, gold and platinum, or to sign up and go fight in Iraq. He can be e-mailed at sizzlermania@hotmail.com  or else at hilander@worldpath.net, whatever one you want. It's your life, your choice and you have to live with it, bud. Not me. I'm just the messenger, just along for the ride, maybe a juicy hamburger and a large black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream at Kimballs-- particularly if YOU'RE buying.