When there is zucchini in my blood, I am Mr. Mellow. I'm a different man. Totally.They do not want t see my nasty side.. the side that is been deprived of Zucchini. I wake up in cold sweats. I shake. I rattle. I roll. Do you have any idea what this is like? Huh!?  Do you!? I didn't think so. None of you do. Not one.

Well, I live  like this every day of my life. I wander the streets panhandling- no, not for drugs--no-- for the green stuff, baby. I have even had to sell my body for zucchini. It is humiliating. I'm not proud of that. But it is my life.... part of my past. Present. And future. I wear signs: "Will work for zucchini." And yeah, I have spent some time in the big house. I wait outside for old people with zucchini sticking out of  their grocery bags. I hyperventilate. I fix my eyes on the goods. then I run by and -whoosh-- I swipe the zuke and off I go. Hah. They won't catch me. Not when my personal elixir and secret of my success is on the line.

I work the streets. I hustle. I do what I gotta do. I've broken into countless homes and pilfered  refrigerators and robbed wicker baskets for zukes. Methadone don't work. I tried support groups. I was active in "ZA" (Zucchini Anonymous).

Hey. I started ZUKE-ANON, ok? I have spoken at schools. I have warned kids about the danger of zucchini. What it can do to you. And I bring pictures of kids who've been involved in car accidents while drinking zucchini, chomping on  zukes, sniffing zukes (yeah, it can be done. Trust me. Zucchini dust is naaaaaaaaasssty!), shooting up zuke. Some listen. Many don't.

ZARE (Zuke Abuse, Resistance, Education) programs have been started in schools all over. I have seen kids high on zuke. Zuke withdrawal and recovery is tough. In jail I smuggled zuke in. The street value of the stuff is out of sight. People die for it, start zucchini gangs over it, marriages and families brake up cuz, "Mummy couldn't stay off zucchini" or Dad is wasted and high on zuke again. They hold other people hostage  for the stuff. Life and death? Yeah. It is. And yet it is a social ill our country denies.

What I am saying is, "Zucchiniism is a disease!" There is a zucchini Gene scientists have determined. I have it. My  grandparents were addicts. I am a zucchini--aholic. Whew. I'm drained. I will be in zucchini recovery  at an  undisclosed locale  for 90 days and maybe more till  am clean and sober ands zucchini free. I have had  blood-zucchini levels that would knock your socks off. I have been pulled over 40 times or so and failed many zucchini sobriety tests. My photo has  appeared in papers, tabloids and on TV for "DUIZ" ( Yup. DUI zucchini). I am burnt out and I am tired..... tired of the lifestyle. The  lying.... the cheating........the stealing.... the humiliation... always being  broke cuz of my habit. I can't say anymore.

I did race in Ludlow though, in July, and  won against a college kid. It was a 5k and I did a 17:24. I think they had about a hundred. All the way I was lusting for zuke pie, zuke juice, zuke cupcakes, zuke & eggs, zuke & sandwich, zuke chops & apple sauce, canned zuke, fried zuke, zuke 'n lobstah, zuke'n mayo, zuke and Ben & Jerry's, zuke popsicles, zuke  pills, intravenous zukes, zuke pancakes, zukechips. But no! Nothin' doin'. "You'll pay, Ludlow, You'll pay! I don't know how, when, where or by what means.... but trust me..  "O little Town Of Okemo and Tourist trap." you'll aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwl pay!!!!!

I didn't come  2 hrs from Hancock for  $100.00 cash. I came for my favorite veggie, and I assume everyone's fave. The Dept of Homeland Security  can't stop me now..... Nobuddee can. Nobuuuuudddeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Despite my addiction, I was able to win  four races in July-and for the first time in 30 years of competition  I won four races in four states  in four weeks (Alfred Maine; Manchester NH; Pepperell Mass; And of course Zucchiniville--Ludlow VT). Undefeated is nice, but I'd trade it all for a lifetime of sobriety and freedom from the bondage and oppression of zucchini,  my drug of choice.

But I own my behaviour now. It isn't my family's fault, not my boss's fault, not my eighbour's, wife's, kid's or anybody else's. It is mine.... and mine alone. I have been free of zucchini in my system for 100 days now. I struggle with it weekly, hourly, daily. I say the zucchini addict's prayer every day when I wake out of bed. I do not miss those zucchini hang- overs.

Is it any coincidence I am having my best year of running (8 or 9 wins, top NH master finisher at Boston, state 15k record for my age in Strafford) in 10 years. It is like the 70's all over again, when I was last clean and straight)? No. I have my family back again. I don't have to hang my head when  walk in downtown Hancock. My boss wants me back at the plant to report for duty  on the loadin' dock again as assistant foreman. I have my life back. You can't put a price tag on that.

--Dave Birse.... King Over Zucchini